Jordan: Sure it’s a crime scene? Looks like she just fell down and broke her crown.
Seely: It’s a crime scene till I say it’s not. Can you give me a time of death estimate?
Jordan: Well lavidity is set so it was more than eight hours ago. No maggots so it was less than three days.
Seely: That’s very amusing. Any chance you can be more specific.
Seely: Maybe you could leave detective work to a detective.
Jordan: And maybe you can leave time, cause and manner of death to a coroner.
Seely: Tryin’ to get out of the hole you and the DA dug for yourselves?
Garret: No, just wondering if there’s anything new.
Seely: Can’t you people stay on your own side of the fence?
Garret: I assume that means your case has stalled out.
Seely: When I get the evidence to convict Harold Goddard you can read about it in the newspaper. Or, hear about it in the bedroom.
Garret: Excuse me. You say that again, kid, you’re going to need somebody else’s teeth to chew with.
Seely: I’ll stay out of your love life if you stay out of my cases.
Seely: For the record, Dr. Maguire, I think you tagging along is a bad idea.
Devan: Couldn’t help myself, Detective Seely. Obsessive commitment to my work.
Seely: This is no place for a lady.
Devan: Looking past the sexist pig aspect of that comment I agree with you. I’m definitely a city girl.
Seely: Well, at least we have one thing in common.
Devan: Oh, you’re a city girl too?
Seely: You should have let me do the talking. There are certain things women just shouldn’t try to do.
Devan: Anyone ever tell you you’re a pig.
Seely: Yes. Yes they have. I believe it was you.
Seely: I’ve been waiting an hour.
Jordan: Yeah? Think it has something to do with the fact that you can’t give directions?
Seely: I got here just fine.
Jordan: Well yippee for you.
Seely: Well next time maybe they’ll send a man to do a man’s job.
Jordan: Then what are you doing here?
Seely: You got a guess how long he’s been dead?
Jordan (after viewing the body): OK, I would put time of death anywhere between a month ago and last Wednesday.
(Seely gives her a dirty look)
Jordan: You said guess.
Seely: Say you’re right. Mr. a Shadow here pushed out guy. What do you want me to do about it…Set up a lemonade stand on the trail and quiz every hiker that walked by?
Jordan: Hey, who needs beverages, you’ll just win them over with your charm.
Seely: Nice doing business with you Doc.
Jordan: Let’s not make it a habit.
Seely: Well there’s something you don’t see everyday.
Bug: Well…now that the cat's out of the bag (chuckle Seely and Bug)
Lily: That is not funny.
Seely: Oh, it’s just a cat!
Lily: Cats are beautiful and affectionate.
Seely: When they want something. Otherwise they’re like the bad roommate. They live in your house, eat your food, but try getting a ride to the airport out of them.
Lily: We are not having this conversation.
Seely: You know if you’re free later tonight. I can promise more where this came from.
Lily: You know…detective. Every time I think there’s something going on under that jerky veneer of yours you go and do something totally insensitive.
Seely: (disbelief and confusion) That was insensitive?
Seely: Hey. So do I get two points for finding the girls parents?
Lily: Yes. Two points for you detective.
Seely: How about another two points for not giving you those personal effects.
Lily: (half laugh-smile) How about another two if you drive Flora and me to the airport?
Seely: Wow! Six points. Does that earn me a date?
Lily: (laugh) After the last 24 hours I could use a coffee and someone to talk to.
Seely: Umm…well I’ll buy you the cup of coffee.
Lily: (smiles) Oh my God. (follows after him).
OWEN: Where is mother Lebowski currently living?
MATT: In a group home, down on Rhode Island. And I'm fine with keeping her there. Really fine. But the wife here wants her near by. And what the wife wants, the wife gets.
LILY: What I really want is for her to move home with us but she thinks my husband is an obnoxious jerk. (She laughs.) Isn't that right, honeybun?
MATT: Thank goodness you don't feel that way, sweetie pie.
MATT: Stroke. Stroke. Stroke. Stroke. Stroke. Stroke. And stroke.
JORDAN: Seven strokes out of twelve employers. What are the odds?
MATT: Well, I'm no mathematician but I guess...
BUG: 10,217 to one. Well, strokes account for seven percent of all deaths, so then you...
MATT: Yeah, the point is it sounds like we've got an Angel of Death.
LILY: Yeah, we just have to prove it.
MATT: Yeah, good luck with that, sweetie pie.
LILY: Thanks for the support, honeybun.
(Jordan and Bug give them a look.)
MATT: All right, reality check here. Most of these bodies weren't even autopsied. You're gonna ask to exhume people's loved ones based on evidence tainted by Dr. Frankenstein here.
BUG: Listen, you inglorious bastard.
BUG: Yeah, except I know the chief ME there and he's a total ass. He'd make us jump through a weeks worth of paperwork.
MATT: Give me the number. I'm not just any inglorious bastard. I'm an inglorious bastard with a badge.
MATT: All right, we're in the fifteenth round here. We need a knock out. Time to start throwing some haymakers.
BUG: Great. We're reduced to incomprehensible sports metaphors.
MATT: I'm saying I'm bringing Stanwood in. Look, sometimes all it takes is getting the guy in the hot seat, let them know you're on to him. Who knows, maybe I'll trip him up. What's the worse that could happen?
BUG: Gee, I don't know. You screw things up, tip him off, he skips town?
MATT: All right, there's that. Yeah, but then again, it just might work.
BUG: I don't like him.
MATT: Your resume was very interesting. Twelve employers, seven deaths from stroke.
OWEN: They were old.
MATT: Did you do the math, Owen? Do you know what the odds are? 10,217 to one.
MATT: The electric chair in Virginia. You know how it works? They strap you in and induce you with fifty thousand volts. Not pretty. Oh, I forgot. You like to stand at the portal between life and death.
MATT: Had a double homicide down in Southeast, so I'm here to observe this slicing and dicing.
LILY: You got any detective tricks for finding people who aren't where they used to be?
MATT: You probably know as much about it as I do. (He moves closer to her.) But I'd be happy to do what I can to fulfill your needs.
(They stare at each other. Lily's mum walks in.)
ARLENE: Not dating the boss anymore, Lily?
MATT: Excuse me?
ARLENE: Oh, this one's cute.
ARLENE: Aren't you gonna introduce us?
LILY: Matt Seely, my mother.
MATT: Oh, hi.
ARLENE: Come here. (She hugs him. She sees his badge on his belt.) Oh, a detective. Wow.
MATT: The embassy in Rome is trying to track down your brother.
LILY: I was so mean to her.
MATT: Well, don't think about it.
(Garret walks in and Lily rushes over to him and hugs him. She starts crying.)
LILY: I was mean to her again.
GARRET: You've never been mean to anybody in your life.
GARRET: I heard hit and run.
MATT: I got a partial plate. We'll get the driver.
GARRET: Bug's putting together the equipment to reconstruct the accident if you're interested.
MATT: You trying to get me out of the way?
GARRET: My thought was that since you were there when it happened you might be able to help.
BUG: This was the point of impact?
MATT: Yeah. This is all in the police report. You think you know more about accident investigation than the cops do?
BUG: Under normal weather conditions, street pavement has a dry factor of point eight. You multiply that times the length of the skid times thirty, giving you X. The formula is based on Etonian physics, the reference as Einstein's thermion relativity by rounding up the metric speed of light to derive, thirty is the constant. So in this case, 2712 is, uh, square that, making sure that you put the decimal point in the right place. So the car was going at fifty-two miles an hour when it hit Mrs. Lebowski.
MATT: You looked at the report.
BUG: Prove it.
MATT: How you doing?
LILY: I don't know. Car slams into your mother right after you call her a slut. How would you feel?
MATT: Has she been conscious at all?
LILY: Morphine drip.
(He takes out some photos and puts them on the bed.)
MATT: Could you take a look at these, so we...
LILY: Don't put them on my mother.
(She grabs the photos and they walk into the corridor. She looks at them.)
MATT: You know her?
LILY: Wait a minute, this... This makes it look like...
MATT: Deliberate. This woman waited for your mother to come out and then smack.
LILY: You have the sensitivity of a lizard.
MATT: I have spent every minute today investigating what initially looked like just a hit and run.
LILY: Isn't that your job?
MATT: Hit and runs? No, I'm a homicide detective. I did this for you.
LILY: Thank you. Now that it's attempted murder, it's no longer beneath you.
MATT: When she wakes up, see if she knows who the woman is.
(He walks off.)
GARRET: Don't you have a job somewhere else?
MATT: I found the woman who smacked into Lily's mother.
GARRET: Who was it?
MATT: Well, it was some piece of work. She was having it off with this married guy in Pennsylvania. His wife didn't like it.
GARRET: So she followed her here and tried to kill her? Kind of an extreme reaction.
MATT: Well, there's more. The guy's dead. He's killed two weeks ago in a car crash, 2am. Mrs. Lebowski was with him. Not a scratch. They were both snockered.
GARRET: Who was driving?
MATT: He was. But that's not stopping his wife from blaming Lily's mother.
GARRET: Okay, thanks. When Lily gets off the phone I'll tell her.
MATT: No, I'll tell her myself.
GARRET: Do her a favor, Seely. Which one of us do you think she would rather hear it from? Thanks for stopping by.
MATT: Hey, I don't get it. That guy was laying right there in the alley. He was dead.
GARRET: Well, now he's undead.
MATT: You're not gonna tell me he's craving human flesh now, are you?
GARRET: Besides from amnesia, he's fine. Doesn't know his name or how he got here. No prints at RMV, no military service. I was hoping you might help.
MATT: Can't you say we tell him his name's Ernie and send him on his way?
GARRET: I was thinking more along the lines of checking missing persons, cross reference his description. You know the drill.
MATT: Unfortunately I do.
GARRET: Hey, I got talked into this myself.
MATT: Oh, yeah? By who? Ah, of course. Here we are again.
MATT: All right, hold the phone everybody.
LILY: Why? Did you find something out?
MATT: Did I ever. Turns out there was a murder two nights ago in the apartment three stories above the alley where we found him.
GARRET: So you think he did it?
MATT: I don't know. But maybe he knows who did. Let's just see if we can't jog your memory down at the station.
MAN: Thank you. Both of you for everything. I appreciate it so much.
(Lily looks at his drawings.)
LILY: You're an artist.
GARRET: No. He's an illustrator.
MATT: Great. You can draw me a picture of where you were the other night.
Bug: Who’s the suit?
Seely: Oh not a suit. He’s the body.
Nigel: Doesn’t he just light up a room.
Seely: I’ll get Walcott to go over his head. I’ll authorize bring Macy on to consult, but one of you guys have to ask him. That guy hates me.
Seely: Fourteen medical examiners in Boston and I get you.
Jordan: (sigh) Come on Seely, you know you want me so bad you want to cry. What do we got?
Jordan: No body?
Seely: Uh-uh. Plenty of blood though.
Jordan: No corpse, no sign of foul play. Why are are we here?
Jordan: Well the cars been here at least since these leaves fell.
Seely: Very scientific. And a three month windows not very helpful.
Seely: Where were you on the night of November 8th?
William: County Jail.
Seely: Now why doesn't that surprise me?
Jordan: (in observation room) Oh Please. They don't arrest unless there's sign of injury.
Seely: They don't arrest on a domestic beef unless there are visible injuries.
Jordan: Thank you.
Seely: There's no 'we' here. You do your job and I do mine (to Jordan).
Jordan: I'm thinking cadaver dogs.
Seely: for which I need a warrant. For which I need more than a hunch that Roger Caruthers is a hound.
Jordan: Would at least talk to the guy?
Seely: Jordan if you want to be a cop? Take the test.
Jeffery: Miss Lebowski.
Lily: Are you guys here on a case?
Jeffery: Dr. Cavanaugh wanted to see me.
Seely: That'd include me too.
Jeffery: Some evidence on an old case.
Seely: They always say that. They think they're so smart...
Jeffery's jumps into elevator.
Seely: That's a new one on me. They kill you when you try to make a withdrawal.
Woody: (taking pictures) I'll be right there.
Seely: That's funny. Would you help me out it stinks in here.
Woody: It's a little sticky in the winter man. Come on you gotta grab on the two of them at the same time and (freight doors open)...Holy Mary. (takes another picture)
Seely: Aft. I said aft. That means back.
Woody: I thought you said ass. Why don't you just say back or tail fin or something appropriate.
Seely: Ohh, Bug. This has you written all over it.
Bug: I don't think we need an autopsy. It was the Gordon's fisherman in the Atlantic Ocean with the big hook.
Seely: Lily and Brandau huh? I figured if she was going to go for a dork, it'd be you. (look from Bug) No offense.
Seely: Umm...maybe not. Get some sleep. You look like crap. I got this.
Seely: Hey! The guy's been busting his hump on this case.
Garret: Excuse me Detective?
Seely: You don't need to be such a hard ass.
Garret: Don't tell me how to run my morgue Seely.
Seely: You're an ME. You don't do interrogations.
Bug: Woody lets Jordan do it all the time. Come on Seely. Look at this guy. We let him walk we do a disservice to her.
Seely: What her are we talking about here? Jane Doe, Liz Cartland or Lily Lebowski.
And now, back to trying to find a song that works for Seely, since I happen to have four episodes he's been in downloaded, which is (probably) enough for a video. If anyone can recommend anything, it'd be much appreciated.