"I can't believe you said that! Apologize to the entire continent of England!"

Customer service: This is actually an eBay line, I don't have access to the half.com numbers, but I have a direct email that they'll respond to within 24 hours.
Julia, deadpan: I'd honestly prefer a phone number, because based on their track record, I'd get that email back in about a month.
Customer service: ...oh. I don't have a phone number.
Julia: Oh, the industrial revolution hasn't hit half.com yet? Do they have a telegraph? A Pony Express?

biscuiteatingsob (10:53:38 PM): ...one of the letters on RedEye tonight? Ends with "PS: Have you heard of Colorado? We have mountains."
theformerclarity (10:53:52 PM): HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAAAHAHHAHAHAAHAHAH
theformerclarity (10:55:10 PM): I'm making that my Facebook status
biscuiteatingsob (10:55:17 PM): Good plan!
biscuiteatingsob (10:55:21 PM): I'll tweet it.
biscuiteatingsob (10:55:32 PM): ...I feel horribly first-world right now.
theformerclarity (10:56:01 PM): ...haaaa, me too. But then, we should have felt first world when we thought we had swine flu as we watched 80s sitcoms.
biscuiteatingsob (10:56:17 PM): ...good point.

theformerclarity (10:52:53 PM): I just love how cracktastic GG is.
theformerclarity (10:53:07 PM): It was the 80s. The writers could have easily been on crack.
biscuiteatingSOB (10:53:17 PM): ...it's true, it really really is.
biscuiteatingSOB (10:53:22 PM): We should form an investigative panel!
theformerclarity (10:54:07 PM): Yes! And when it's revealed, after painstaking trials and research, that the writers were indeed on crack, we stand up, remove our glasses and go, "'kay. Is there wireless here?"
biscuiteatingSOB (10:54:43 PM): ....god, I hope we never are on any important panel for anything.
biscuiteatingSOB (10:54:47 PM): Or elected to public office.
biscuiteatingSOB (10:55:11 PM): Altho CSPAN would be far more amusing - they ban electronics and shit there, so we'd be, like, playing ping-pong.
biscuiteatingSOB (10:55:14 PM): Or sleeping.
theformerclarity (10:55:44 PM): Or I'd be smoking, and you'd be singing under your breath, "Firetruck, firetruck, I wanna ride in a firetruck"
biscuiteatingSOB (10:56:04 PM): ...god, yes.
theformerclarity (10:57:58 PM): They'd be like, "There's no smoking...or creepiness...allowed in Congress!" And I'd point to Mitt Romney. "Okay, true. Fine, carry on."

theformerclarity (12:42:38 AM): Now, what if you make multiple accounts on Netflix and send the movies to your work and your parents' house or something? Then you'd get 3 free DVDs!
biscuiteatingSOB (12:42:50 AM): *gasp*
biscuiteatingSOB (12:42:54 AM): And they would go bankrupt!
theformerclarity (12:43:04 AM): And you'd have 3 free DVDs!
biscuiteatingSOB (12:43:17 AM): ...good point. Let's do it!

Julio (11:24:52 PM): We all live for the cowbell part of the theme song, amirite?
Me (11:25:06 PM): Oh, definitely.
Julio (11:25:17 PM): I got a fever, and the only prescription is more cowbell.
Me (11:25:42 PM): *pats shoulder* Try taking some Advil and a nap, I bet that would help too.
Julio (11:26:07 PM): No! No, cowbell is what I need!
Me (11:26:27 PM): Try the damn advil first!
Julio (11:26:45 PM): No! Why take four advil when you can take one cowbell?
Me (11:27:02 PM): Because you'd look like a damn fool!
Julio (11:27:25 PM): Shut your whore mouth!
Julio (11:27:32 PM): (wtf is this conversation)
Me (11:27:38 PM): (god I don't know)

(10:29:24 PM) Me: Oi, what's on?
(10:30:17 PM) Julia: Oi, I'm not sure gov'na! I reckon we'd best hit Buckingham Palace, and then go to hospital and university! Bloody 'ell 'arry!

(11:23:35 PM) biscuiteatingSOB: I'm just glad I exited the site. Because who the hell needs 25 versions of messy handwriting fonts?!
(11:26:22 PM) theformerclarity: Michael J Fox, that's who!
(11:26:32 PM) theformerclarity: If he wants it to match his real handwriting!
(11:26:52 PM) biscuiteatingSOB: ...*headdesk*

( Spoilers! )
Lee (9:50:18 PM): (Ahahaha, that commercial! "Sir, unless the bomb is committing a crime, there's nothing we can do.")
Julia (9:52:25 PM): (Everybody Hates Chris is actually a really good show. I watched the first season. There was, "In labaratory projects, scientists give mice cheese. In the Brooklyn Projects, the government gives people cheese." And the dad, when milk is spilled, get down on his knees looking at it, saying, "Look at this! This is 15 cents worth of milk! Someone is licking up this milk!")
Lee (9:52:44 PM): (So... your dad, basically?)
Julia (9:52:55 PM): (That's exactly what me and my mom and my sister yelled)
Julia (9:55:02 PM): In fact, just yesterday, my mom spilled some nuts, and my dad was like, "That's $4 of nuts." Mom: I'm sorry, it just slipped. Human error. Dad: Yeah, but now I'll have to buy more nuts so you can spill them. Me: Four dollars worth, exactly. Guess we'll have to skimp on chicken broth. Dad: *grumble*

Haha, Julia totally didn't take any sleep meds yesterday, and today at school during girl's group, this girl named Z started yelling at her for never talking to anyone. Julia's reaction?

"Don't criticize me until you get a real name."

This is why she needs her meds, guys. But damn, she's hilarious.

First, I think too fast. My mother was mentioning something to me, and my brain immediately ran through the topic we had been talking about before, and brought up and discarded ideas before landing on the most likely one... all before she'd gotten more than a few words out. Leading to this, somewhat hilarious exchange:

Mom: "I think you should go and gt a plastic bag-"
Me: "And freeze the soup?!"
Mom: "...I was going to say 'clean the litterbox', but go for it."

As further proof of my weirdness, I offer you stories of my childhood Christmases:

Santa was never a huge figure for me - as I mentioned to Julia, I went from vaguely believing in him to vaguely not-believing in him. Nah, man, I was all about the reindeer! To the point where not only did I have a favorite (Dasher, of course), but I would always have one present 'from Santa'... and one from Dasher. And then one from the reindeer as a group. And we'd leave a glass of milk for Santa, but no cookies - instead, a bag of carrots for the reindeer.

Yeah. I'm totally serious.

And to leave off, I give you this priceless IM from Julio, under influence of her Ambien:

theformerclarity (9:23:32 PM): okay, i gott GO BEFORE i ms ckm zxockxd,mu9vico
theformerclarity signed off at 9:24:13 PM.

Julia (6:41:03 PM): Indeed! I don't understand! My arguments are backed up by logic and facts, yet when I try to explain this to my liberal friends, they flip a bitch. Srsly, liberals are like racoons: they see something shiny in a jar (Obama), reach in to grab it, and their paw gets stuck, but they're so mesmerized by the shiny object that they can't let go and free themselves, so they die there. I'm just waiting for that last part.

I totally just saw a banner ad for Forever Strong! The rugby movie! Oh man, I am so psyched for that, even if it sucks ass I'm gonna see it a bunch of times because RUGBY MOVIE.

In other, movie-related news, Burn After Reading is freakin' hilarious. I think I shall call it What Would Happen if Humanexers Got into the CIA, because... yeah. I think the liberal use of 'fuck' might've put me off of the movie back a few years ago, but after Humanex, part of my mind thinks it's perfectly natural to say fuck every other word or so. Ah, HX, you have warped me so deliciously.

(If anybody's wondering, I would be JK Simmons in the movie.)

Oh, I was totally checking Wikipedia's recent deaths page (I usually hit it every few days, just in case), and found out David Foster Wallace hanged himself Friday night. My immediate reaction? Holler the news to my mom, run upstairs to grab my phone, and text Julia about it in all caps. Srsly, man, she loves that guy. She's written a freakin' Infinite Jest/Harry Potter crossover, for fuck's sake, that's some level of crazy.

...granted, this is the same chick who wrote Adam Baldwin/Chris Hansen slash after we caught To Catch a Predator on a tv at a convention whilst stalking Adam Baldwin. So... yeah.

ONE MORE THING! (Yes, I did imagine that in Uncle's voice from Jackie Chan Adventures.) I'm totes planning a next-gen HP RPG called For the Lulz.

biscuiteatingsob: Yeah, I'm reading Fandom Wank, and apparently he cut off RPATTZ at the VMAs, and the fangirls are out for blood.
biscuiteatingsob: ...and god, why does that sentence make sense to me?
theformerclarity: ...I don't know.
biscuiteatingsob: Fandom really ought to claim a piece of land nobody wants and succeed from the country. Like Wyoming, let's take Wyoming.
biscuiteatingsob: We've already got our own language!
theformerclarity: Yay! And I think you mean secede.
biscuiteatingsob: ...right. I totally did.
theformerclarity: But really? Wyoming? I think we should go with Utah. Age of consent is 12, and polygamy is semi-legal, so all the middle-school fangirls can marry Edward!
biscuiteatingsob: Ooh, good point!
biscuiteatingsob: But the Mormons may not want to give us Utah.
biscuiteatingsob: See, I was going for Wyoming because nobody lives there or cares about it.
theformerclarity: Yeah, but there are way too many cows.
biscuiteatingsob: Yeah, but that means lots of steak and pot roasts!
theformerclarity: Tru, tru.
theformerclarity: Plus, my family is friends with a millionaire who lives there, we could totally kill him and take his house.
biscuiteatingsob: Perfect!
biscuiteatingsob: It will be the ruler's mansion.
biscuiteatingsob: Whatever the ruler shall be named.
biscuiteatingsob: Supreme BNF?
theformerclarity: No. Supreme BAMF.
theformerclarity: Because if you killed a millionaire for his house, you are a BAMF.
biscuiteatingsob: Tru, tru.

biscuiteatingsob (9:39:51 PM): Aww, there's no Lion King mpreg.
biscuiteatingsob (9:39:57 PM): ...WHY DOES THIS MAKE ME SAD?!
theformerclarity (9:40:14 PM): I DON'T KNOW, BUT IT MAKES ME SAD, TOO.
theformerclarity (9:42:02 PM): ...dude, I just considering writing eHarmony commercial slash.
theformerclarity (9:42:06 PM): considered*
biscuiteatingsob (9:42:12 PM): ...we have a sickness.
theformerclarity (9:42:17 PM): We reaaally do.

Me: "How was it?"
Julia: "Well, the professor is black, so I'm stoked about that. Almost everyone in the class is a senior, so I feel waaay young, but there are a couple pretty cute guys, and one of them seemed interested in me, but he's about the size of Josh Inkeles, so that might not work out. And I was trying to get on the prof's good side, so I pretended to take notes, but I was really writing down observations to the movie clips we were watching, such as, "Orson Welles is apparently a fan of bad cat puns. Look into this.", "Russians have weird hats and are bad composers." and "HE ROGERED THE BOOGLEY!""

( Me and Julia watch a special on kids with Tourettes, and are generally horrible human beings. )

theformerclarity (9:05:24 PM): ... ***Tornado Warning***. Does the National Weather Service write for FFN?

Julia: We touched him, and now he's on CSI.
Julia: We touched something that is on CSI.
Me: ...we stalked something that is on CSI.
Julia: ...we saw something eat a hamburger that is on CSI.

Julia's brother is in the loony bin, and I informed her about my current choice of reading material. Then this convo happened:

Julia: ...you are losing your mind. You belong in the loony bin with my brother.
Me: I can see it now. Brad sees me, and is all, "Why are you here?" Me: "Oh, I was compulsively reading bad Harry Potter fics where Harry is abused."
Julia: You two can form a lovable two-person cockney gang of prescription drug dealers.

JULIA HAS WRITTEN ADAM BALDWIN/CHRIS HANSEN, AND IT IS HILARIOUS.

A must-read for all of my fellow To Catch a Predator fans!