Leevee (colin_chaotic) wrote,
Leevee
colin_chaotic

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Stargate Quotage

Daniel: She's Hathor, the goddess of fertility, inebriety, and music.
Jack O'Neill: Sex, drugs, and rock & roll?
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Daniel: Tastes like chicken.
Sam Carter: So what's wrong with it?
Daniel: It's macaroni and cheese.
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Teal'c: What is an Oprah?
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Sam Carter: Daniel, when you were in this alternate reality, were there differences?
Daniel: Yes. Er, Teal'c was leading the attack on Earth, I wasn't even part of the program, you and Jack were engaged to get married...
Jack O'Neill: Excuse me?
Sam Carter: What... ok, er, even if you did experience this alternate reality, doesn't the very fact there were differences mean that we won't face the same fate?
Daniel: Yes. But the defining event, the death of Ra, took place in both worlds.
Teal'c: An attack of retribution.
Daniel: Yes. And the same thing is going to happen here unless we stop it.
Jack O'Neill: All right. Wait a minute. Let me get something straight here. Engaged?
Sam Carter: It's theoretically possible.
Jack O'Neill: It's against regulations.
Sam Carter: I'm talking physics, sir.
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[Sam, Teal'c and Jonas are sitting in a restaurant/coffee shop located in a small town, where they are investigating the disappearance of Richard Flemming]
Jonas: Don't tell me you haven't noticed how strange the people have been acting around here.
Sam Carter: What are you talking about?
Jonas: Well for instance, that man there right behind Teal'c, he doesn't realize it, but he just put eight cubes of sugar into his coffee, and that lady over at the counter, she's been reading the same article for half an hour. Since we sat down, that waitress has dropped her tray twice and the cook has done three wrong orders INCLUDING my hamburger, which I ordered medium rare, but is in fact well done. It's like the whole town is half asleep.
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Teal'c: Things will not calm down, Daniel Jackson. They will in fact calm up.
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Sam Carter: I'm an Air Force officer just like you are, Colonel. And just because my reproductive organs are on the inside instead of the outside doesn't mean I can't handle whatever you can handle.
Jack O'Neill: Oh, this has nothing to do with you being a woman. I like women. I've just got a little problem with scientists.
Sam Carter: Well, Colonel, I logged over 100 hours over enemy airspace during the Gulf War. Is that tough enough for you... or are we going to have to arm wrestle?
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General George S. Hammond: It costs nearly a billion dollars just to turn the lights on around here.
Jack O'Neill: How about a bake sale? Yard sale? Garage...
General George S. Hammond: This is what I look like when I'm not laughing, Colonel.
Jack O'Neill: Car wash?
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Daniel: This is the Hall of Might?
Gairwyn: You were expecting something different?
Daniel: Well, uh-huh. Maybe a hall.
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Daniel: Wow, this place is incredible. It's like we just stepped into the citadel at Mycenae.
Jack O'Neill: I thought you said it was Greek.
Daniel: Oh, Mycenae was an ancient city in the Southern Peloponnesian region.
Jack O'Neill: Where's that?
Daniel: Greece.
Jack O'Neill: Why do I do that?
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Daniel: Can you do me a favor? Could you keep an eye on this plant thing for me?
Teal'c: I will keep both of my eyes on it, Daniel Jackson.
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Jack O'Neill: So Merrin, I understand you're a reactor expert.
Merrin: Yes.
Jack O'Neill: How old are you?
Merrin: I am eleven. How old are you?
Jack O'Neill: So... Merrin, I understand you're a reactor expert.
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Sam Carter: Sir, he's not Goa'uld.
Jack O'Neill: And? But? So? Therefore?
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Aris Boch: Dr. Jackson, if you don't mind treating my wound.
Daniel Jackson: I'm an archaeologist.
Aris Boch: I know, but you're also a doctor...
Daniel Jackson: ...Of archaeology.
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Jack O'Neill: Do you read the Bible, Teal'c?
Teal'c: It is a significant part of your Western culture. Have you not read the Bible, O'Neill?
Jack O'Neill: Oh, yeah. Yeah. Not all of it. Actually, I'm listening to it on tape. Don't tell me how it ends.
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Daniel: It was a procedure often done in the Middle Ages. They... well, they'd drill a hole in the person's head. By drilling a hole the evil spirits are released, thus saving the person from eternal damnation.
Jack O'Neill: Thus... *saving* the person?
Daniel: Well, they didn't call them the Dark Ages because it was dark.
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Narim: No harm will come to you. The Tollan will guarantee it.
Jack O'Neill: Is that a "money back if you're not completely alive" guarantee?
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Teal'c: Appearances may be deceiving.
Jack O'Neill: One man's ceiling is another man's floor.
Daniel: A fool's paradise is a wise man's hell.
Jack O'Neill: Never run with... scissors?
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Captain Kyle Rogers: You are all casualties until 1400 hours.
Jack O'Neill: Would that be Daylight Savings or Standard?
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Jack O'Neill: So what's your impression of Alar?
Teal'c: That he is concealing something.
Jack O'Neill: Like what?
Teal'c: I am unsure - he is concealing it.
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Jack O'Neill: Listen. Um, I gotta ask you something. It's not easy for me.
Major Charles Kawalsky: We're friends.
Jack O'Neill: If you don't make it... can I have your stereo?
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Sam Carter: Where's Daniel?
Jack O'Neill: Oh, Ernest is showing him a new toy.
Sam Carter: Really? What?
Jack O'Neill: Some fancy light show that may be the key to our existence or something like that.
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Daniel: That's interesting. I wonder if everyone's coming from some religious event.
Jack O'Neill: Why does it always have to be a religious thing with you? Maybe they're coming from a swap meet.
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[Carter and O'Neill lie close to one another for warmth]
Sam Carter: Sir?
Jack O'Neill: It's my sidearm, I swear.
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Jack O'Neill: It's true Michael. We came to Earth to hide among your people a long, long time ago.
Daniel: From a galaxy far, far away.
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Jack O'Neill: Teal'c, you don't have to stick around.
Teal'c: Undomesticated equines could not remove me.
Jack O'Neill: Wild horses, Teal'c.
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Sam Carter: They built their own stargate?
Daniel: Waaay smarter than us.
Jack O'Neill: Ours is bigger.
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[Daniel, Sam and Teal'c find the young Jack O'Nill fishing]
Young Jack O'Neill: Unless you've brought beer, that's close enough!
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Teal'c: [in Jack's body] It did not go well.
Jack O'Neill: [sarcastically, in Teal'c's body] Ya think?
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Jack O'Neill: [after a group of trainees fail a battle simulation] Okay! We're all dead, and there's an armed Goa'uld running around the base! I have a problem with that! Does anyone else have a problem with that?
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Jack O'Neill: I'd like to apologize in advance for anything that I may say or do that could be construed as offensive as I slowly go NUTS.
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Jack O'Neill: This is the infamous tuna torture.
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Colonel Harry Maybourne: If you hit me, I'll have you court-martialed.colonel.
Jack O'Neill: I'm not gonna hit you, Maybourne. I'm gonna shoot you.
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Jack O'Neill: I'm Captain James T. Kirk of the Starship Enterprise.
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Daniel: Why are you so quick to jump to the conclusion that I'm crazy? That I'm dangerous and out of control? It's because I'm kinda acting that way, aren't I?
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Jack O'Neill: Teal'c, look scary and take point.
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Linea: There are many forms of power, my dear. Some are more subtle than others.
Jack O'Neill: Well, for the moment we just need the electrical kind.
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Jack O'Neill: Hey, Rigar. You know that "we come in peace" business? Bite me.
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[Osiris wants to know what has happened during his three thousand year hibernation]
Osiris: Where is my brother Setesh?
Daniel: You mean Seth? He's dead, we killed him.
Osiris: You lie.
Daniel: No, no... we also killed Ra, and Hathor, and who else... Sokar.
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[Teal'C and Jack are repeating the same day and only they remember it. They decide to play golf into an active Stargate wormhole]
Jack O'Neill: How far away is this planet?
Teal'c: Several hundred light-years.
Jack O'Neill: That's gotta be a record.
[Jack golfs again]
General George S. Hammond: [They golf again later, and Hammond catches them] Jack, what the hell are you doing?
Jack O'Neill: [Jack screws up his golf swing] In the middle of my BACKSWING!
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Jack O'Neill: Just give me some kind of warning.
Teal'c: I'm going to shoot you.
Jack O'Neill: I was thinking more along the lines of "On Three".
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Jack O'Neill: Permission to barge in, Sir.
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[Teal'c has started hallucinating about his wife]
Teal'c: Do not test my temper, woman.
Daniel Jackson: Woman? Did he just call me a woman?
Jack O'Neill: Yes, I believe he did.
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Jack O'Neill: Excuse me, but I distinctly remember you saying we're not going to make it. Looks like we made it.
Jacob Carter/Selmak: So?
Jack O'Neill: So, maybe next time you could reserve your judgment.
Jacob Carter/Selmak: And miss the last opportunity I might ever have at being right?
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Jack O'Neill: Do you people *practice* being vague?
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Daniel: You know, I've never been on a stakeout before. Shouldn't we have, like... donuts or something?
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Hu'rak: No Matter what you have endured, you've never experienced the likes of what Anubis is capable of.
Jack O'Neill: You ended that sentence with a preposition, Bastard.
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General George S. Hammond: You ever think of writing a book about your exploits in the line of duty?
Jack O'Neill: I've thought about it. But then, I'd have to shoot anyone that actually read it.
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Daniel: Their whole world is in flames - and we're offering them gasoline. How does that help?
Teal'c: We are in fact offering water.
Jack O'Neill: Thank you.
Daniel: I was speaking metaphorically.
Jack O'Neill: Well stop it. It's not fair to Teal'c.
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Jack O'Neill: Weren't we just somewhere else?
Daniel: Where?
Jack O'Neill: Some planet.
Daniel: When?
Jack O'Neill: Just now.
Daniel: No.
Jack O'Neill: Sure?
Daniel: Yeah.
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Jack O'Neill: I distinctly remember sitting here, listening to Carter prattle on about solar activity and a... corona... something.
Sam Carter: Coronal mass emissions - I was just about to bring it up.
Jack O'Neill: There you go, how would I know that?
Sam Carter: Maybe you read my report.
Daniel: Maybe he *read* your report?
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Colonel Harry Maybourne: Teal'c. It's good to see you well.
Teal'c: In my culture, I would be well within my rights to dismember you.
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Colonel Harry Maybourne: Gonna turn me in?
Jack O'Neill: Actually, that overwhelming desire to shoot you has come back.
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Sam Carter: The asteroid has an irregular shape, but we've calculated its length from end to end to be approximately 137 kilometers.
Jack O'Neill: I've seen this movie. It hits Paris.
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Major Vallarin: Wait here.
Daniel Jackson: Yes, you go down the dark hallway alone and I'll wait here in the dark room alone.
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Jack O'Neill: The hell with culture. A member of my team has been neutralized. That's a hostile act.
Daniel: How is it that you always come up with the worst case scenario?
Jack O'Neill: I practice.
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Jack O'Neill: Actually, it's called the Accretion Disk.
Daniel: Well, I guess it's easy to understand why the local population would be afraid of something like that... *what* did you just say?
Jack O'Neill: It's just an astronomical term.
Sam Carter: You didn't think the Colonel had a telescope on his roof just to look at the neighbors, did you?
Jack O'Neill: Not initially.
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Teal'c: The Goa'uld visit here regularly. It is one of their favorite places to harvest hosts for Goa'uld absorption.
Daniel: You know, I wish you wouldn't say 'harvest'. We're talking about human beings not... Brussels sprouts.
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Senator Kinsey: If they're so strong, why did you switch sides in the first place?
Teal'c: Because, what is right cannot be measured in strength.
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Teal'c: The destruction of the hammer device to save my life may have caused this. If so, I am responsible.
Jack O'Neill: General, I gave the order.
Daniel: And I fired the staff at the machine.
Sam Carter: And I was... there.
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Saroosh/Selmak: Selmak is a wondeful Tok'ra. She is selfless and caring; she is good company; she has a wonderful sense of humor.
Sam Carter: Well, that's good Dad. You can sit around for hours cracking yourself up.
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Jack O'Neill: All right, we came here in peace, we expect to go in one... piece.
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Jack O'Neill: Captain Carter, Colonel Cromwell. He's come to rescue us. But I wouldn't count on it.
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Jack O'Neill: [testing Daniel to see if he's an imposter] All right. Describe for me the dress your sister wore last week when I took her out.
Daniel: I don't have a sister, Jack, and if I did I wouldn't let you near her.
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Jack O'Neill: What do you want?
Apophis: To live.
Jack O'Neill: I can't help you there. That's between you and your god. Oh, wait a minute. You are your god. That's a problem.
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Daniel: Well maybe you can try coming up with something better than inappropriate sarcasm.
Jack O'Neill: You want sarcasm? Nice to meet you.
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Major Robert Thornbird: Some sort of state secret?
Jack O'Neill: No. Just difficult to pronounce.
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Captain Kyle Rogers: My lord?
Jack O'Neill: Actually, we just call him General Hammond.
General George S. Hammond: I'd like to debrief ASAP, Colonel.
Jack O'Neill: Yes, my lord.
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Sam Carter: Maybourne, you are an idiot everyday of the week, couldn't you have taken just this one day off?
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Jack O'Neill: What now?
Teal'c: I have read of a place where humans do battle in a ring of jello.
Jack O'Neill: Call Daniel.
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Bra'tac: [a practice wedding between Ray'c and Kar'yn just went sour] I can see why one must rehearse these events.
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[SG-1 is discussing the 4 of them attacking a Goa'uld planet]
Teal'c: I believe a "medical attack" could be successful.
Jack O'Neill: Surgical attack, Teal'c, it's called a "surgical attack."
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Jack O'Neill: [Teal'c is about to shoot Jack] Okay, give me a warning first.
Teal'c: [Activates a zat gun] I am going to shoot you.
Jack O'Neill: Very funny. Okay, on three. One-
[Teal'c shoots Jack]
Jack O'Neill: You were supposed to wait for me to say three!
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Teal'c: Colonel O'Neill has officially informed that I have my..."mojo"... back.
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General George S. Hammond: Can these devices be removed?
Dr. Janet Fraiser: Not without causing irreparable brain damage, sir.
Jack O'Neill: What's the down side?
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Daniel: Actually, General, the Tollan refused to give us any technology.
Jack O'Neill: Offered us a nice fruit basket though.
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General George S. Hammond: As long as I am in command of the SGC, we will hold ourselves to the highest ethical standard.
Jack O'Neill: And when the Goa'uld wipe us out because we have nothing with which to defend ourselves, I'm sure we'll all feel great about ourselves and our high moral standard.
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Jack O'Neill: Come to retrieve your vastly superior stuff? You know it'd be a lot more superior if it wasn't so easy to steal.
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Jack O'Neill: ...I do appreciate that you were the one to come and see if I was okay. That... that means something.
Daniel: Ah... actually, no, it doesn't.
Jack O'Neill: No?
Daniel: Um... we, ah, we drew straws. I lost.
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Commander Rigar: Wormhole?
Jack O'Neill: Giant worms. Huge.
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Thor: The Replicators were brought aboard an Asgard ship, for study, before the danger could be fully comprehended.
Jack O'Neill: We do that all the time. Kind of expected more from you guys.
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Teal'c: [as he steps out into space] One small step for Jaffa...
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Jack O'Neill: Well if you're looking for help translating it - you're barking up the wrong genius.
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Jack O'Neill: I suppose you expect my male bravado to kick in right now?
Dr. Svetlana Markov: I've read your file.
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Sam Carter: Question is, will they listen?
Jack O'Neill: Well, the real question is, will they have ears?
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General Vidrine: How does she fly, son?
Teal'c: The vehicle performed within expected parameters.
Jack O'Neill: Woohoo... Sorry Sir. I couldn't help but get caught up in Teal'c's enthusiasm.
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Daniel: Well, we were kind of hoping you'd "beam them out. "
Jacob Carter/Selmak: Beam them out? What am I - Scotty?
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Jack O'Neill: They didn't go for it.
Sam Carter: They didn't approve the mission?
Jack O'Neill: Well no, they did THAT. Once they knew the stakes and the whole fate of the universe stuff, both the President and Hammond realized we had no choice. They wish us luck, God speed and all those things he says when he thinks we're gonna die.
Sam Carter: So what didn't they go for?
Jack O'Neill: The name I suggested.
Sam Carter: For the ship?
Jack O'Neill: Yeah.
Sam Carter: Yeah. Sir... we can't call it the "Enterprise"
Jack O'Neill: Why not?
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Jack O'Neill: What is it with you people? Time machines are nothin' but trouble. Even we know that.
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First: I never expected that you would amuse me.
Jack O'Neill: I never expected you to put your hand in my head.
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Colonel Harry Maybourne: Hi, Jack.
Jack O'Neill: You rat bastard.
Colonel Harry Maybourne: Hey, hey, hey... take it easy.
Jack O'Neill: I am SO gonna kick your ass.
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Colonel Harry Maybourne: If you need me, I'm at the Accent Inn checked in under the name of Cassidy.
Jack O'Neill: David or Shaun?
Colonel Harry Maybourne: Butch.
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Sam Carter: Well, if the DHD could have prevented the problem, maybe the DHD can also fix it. Is there any chance that you could get the Russians to give us their DHD?
Daniel: Not without giving back Alaska.
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[after the DHD explodes]
Daniel: Well, that never happened in any of the simulations.
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Jack O'Neill: We brought pizza and a movie.
Teal'c: Star Wars.
Jack O'Neill: He's seen it, what? Eight times?
Teal'c: Nine.
Jack O'Neill: Nine times. If Teal'c likes it, it's gotta be okay.
Sam Carter: You've never seen Star Wars?
Jack O'Neill: Well, you know me and sci-fi...
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Sam Carter: We kicked their asses, sir.
Jack O'Neill: They had asses?
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Teal'c: If I were still loyal to the goa'uld, you would know it.
Colonel Frank Simmons: Really?
Teal'c: It would be immediately apparent, as I would not hesitate to kill you where you sit.
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Daniel: Wow, this coffee's great!
Sam Carter: I was just thinking that.
Jack O'Neill: Yeah, is that cinnamon?
Daniel: Chicory
[Teal'c unscrews the lid from the coffee pot and drinks the contents]
Sam Carter: Teal'c!
Jack O'Neill: Isn't that hot?
Teal'c: Extremely.
[the others look shocked]
General George S. Hammond: Just stay on the base. We're going to need to keep and eye on you for the time being.
Daniel: I feel fine.
Teal'c: As do I, DANIEL Jackson.
General George S. Hammond: For someone who just drank a half gallon of steaming hot coffee?
Jack O'Neill: Right.
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Jack O'Neill: The Goa'uld are coming, Senator!
Senator Kinsey: Then I think they'll be sorry that they took on the US Army!
Daniel: [sarcastically] Right. We'll just upload a virus into their mothership.
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[imitating a tour guide in what was once Stargate Command]
Jack O'Neill: ...and we're walking.
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Teal'c: Chelnak!
Daniel: Direct translation: Very cool!
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Jacob Carter/Selmak: Apparently, I'm the oldest and wisest among us.
Sam Carter: Oh geez.
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Jack O'Neill: You know, I can navigate my way across a galaxy, but I still get lost every time I come to Washington.
Sam Carter: Don't worry, sir. These are my old stomping grounds.
Jack O'Neill: Sorry to hear that.
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[being told about bounties on SG-1's members placed by the Gou'ald]
Aris Boch: Well, Teal'c is worth the most. The System Lords would love to make a good example of him. And Carter here? Well, she has the memories of the Tok'ra Jolinar. And you, O'Neill? You're considered, well... you're a pain in the nikta.
Jack O'Neill: Neck?
Teal'c: No.
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[trying to get advice from Thor, although he is not allowed to interfere]
Jack O'Neill: All right, send me back. Wait. Ah... Right there. Is that a head nod? A nod is usually down, then back up. Your head went down... Wait. I'll tak...
[O'Neill is beamed back to Earth]
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[trying to infiltrate Seth's cult]
Jack O'Neill: Dare I ask about the men inside the compound?
Daniel: Well, they were turned into eunuchs.
Jack O'Neill: Eunuchs? As in "snippity-do-dah"?
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[trying to find out where a Stargate malfunction sent O'Neill and Carter]
Daniel: [to Teal'c] What happens when you dial your own phone number?
[Daniel quickly realizes Teal'c has no idea]
Daniel: Wrong person to ask.
[to Hammond]
Daniel: What happens when you dial your own phone number?
General George S. Hammond: You get a busy signal.
Daniel Jackson and Teal'c: General, permission to...
General George S. Hammond: Granted.
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[Maybourne tosses an explosive in the lake to 'catch' some fish]
Jack O'Neill: That's just wrong on so many levels.
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Jack O'Neill: Hey, don't you die on me now.
Colonel Harry Maybourne: What difference would it make?
Jack O'Neill: Because we're about to be rescued.
Colonel Harry Maybourne: Oh, that's nice.
Jack O'Neill: Isn't it?
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Jack O'Neill: I think you've suffered enough. Hell, I even got to shoot you.
Colonel Harry Maybourne: Twice.
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Jack O'Neill: It's always suicide-mission this, save-the-planet that. No one ever stops by just to say 'hi' anymore.
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Jack O'Neill: You know, we really should come up with a new strategy. One that does not include us dying.
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Jacob Carter/Selmak: How's it going?
Daniel: Oh, swell, it's kinda like Goa'uld Mardi Gras around here.
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Daniel: So, how are you gonna get me in?
Jacob Carter/Selmak: Yu will be among the System Lords attending the meeting.
Sam Carter: I thought you said he was going in as a slave.
Jacob Carter/Selmak: The System Lord, Yu.
Sam Carter: Little joke there.
Jack O'Neill: [Dryly] Funny.
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Jack O'Neill: You know, Harry, it's not that I can't believe you lied to me again. It's that YOU LIED TO ME AGAIN.
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Teal'c: Major Carter.
Sam Carter: Teal'c, this is the women's locker room.
Teal'c: It appears there is no one else here but you, and you are fully clothed.
Sam Carter: True.
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Colonel Harry Maybourne: You wanted to kill me from the start.
Jack O'Neill: Ah, screw you, Maybourne. I was joking. Look what you did to my leg.
Colonel Harry Maybourne: I set the trap for the pig.
Jack O'Neill: With a grenade?
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Colonel Frank Cromwell: Is that proper military terminology? What exactly does "funky" mean, Sergeant?
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Jack O'Neill: "Au revoir"... it's French for "ciao".
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Jack O'Neill: I retired once myself, but I just couldn't stay away.
General Jacob Carter: From your work in Deep Space Radar Telemetry.
Jack O'Neill: It's just so damn interesting.
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Sam Carter: Dad, have you ever heard of the Stargate program?
General Jacob Carter: No. Is that one of your satellites?
Sam Carter: I don't work with satellites, dad. That was just a cover.
General Jacob Carter: No kidding. I never would've guessed.
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Aldwin: Are you interested in Tok'ra engineering?
Jack O'Neill: Oh. Interested doesn't quite describe how I truly feel.
Aldwin: You're welcome to join us.
Jack O'Neill: Thank you Aldwin, but I have to go help Teal'c... wait for Daniel.
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Teal'c: [looking in O'Neill's refrigerator] Are you conducting some sort of scientific experiment, O'Neill?
Jack O'Neill: Hey, come on, that salsa's still good.
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[Trapped on a Goa'uld world, trying to reboot the Gate system to escape]
Jay Felger: This is pretty cool, isn't it? You and I working together? We're sort of like the intellectual Butch and Sundance of the SGC.
Sam Carter: Butch and Sundance got cornered and killed by the Bolivian army.
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[O'Neill awakens in sickbay and tries to leave his bed]
Teal'c: Doctor Fraiser expressed her conviction that you still require bed rest.
[O'Neill gets out anyway and promptly falls down]
Teal'c: Doctor Fraiser is usually right in such matters.
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Jack O'Neill: I'm telling you, Teal'c. If we don't find a way out of this soon, I'm gonna' lose it.
[Teal'c does not understand and just stares at O'Neill]
Jack O'Neill: "Lose it. " It means, "Go crazy. " "Nuts. " "Insane. " "Bonzo. " "No longer in possession of one's faculties. " "Three fries short of a Happy Meal. " "Wacko. "
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Jack O'Neill: So show me your stuff. Bust me out of here.
Daniel Jackson: I can't...
Jack O'Neill: Why not?
Daniel Jackson: I'm not allowed to interfere.
Jack O'Neill: You're interfering right now.
Daniel Jackson: No, I'm not.
Jack O'Neill: Yes, you are.
Daniel Jackson: No, I'm not. I am consoling a friend.
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Sam Carter: What are these things?
Teal'c: They are entar.
Jack O'Neill: And that's short for?
Teal'c: Entar.
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Bra'tac: Perhaps if the warships of your world will attack we will be able...
Sam Carter: Excuse me; did you say, 'the warships of our world'?
Bra'tac: Surely you have such vessels?
Daniel Jackson: Well, we have a number of... shuttles.
Bra'tac: These 'shuttles. ' They are a formidable craft?
Jack O'Neill: Uh... yeah...
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Jack O'Neill: I think that Sam means, "What do we do now? "
Bra'tac: Now we die.
Jack O'Neill: Well that's a bad plan.
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Daniel Jackson: We have to go in disguise; pretend to be foreigners.
Jack O'Neill: How do we do that?
Daniel Jackson: Well, I speak 23 languages, Jack. Pick one.
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Captain Kyle Rogers: We extracted high-level information from the prisoners. (slyly) Corn and cotton are indigenous to North America.
Jack O'Neill: And that information could save your life one day.
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Jack O'Neill: I've got some bad news for you. Hathor's dead.
Major General Trofsky: She is not. Hathor cannot die.
Jack O'Neill: Yep. She is. Killed her myself.
Major General Trofsky: Hathor is a goddess.
Jack O'Neill: All right, ex-goddess.
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Teal'c: I believe the Canucks of Vancouver are superior warriors.
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Jay Felger: Something hinky's definitely going on here, and it's up to you and me to find out what it is.
Simon Coombs: 'Hinky? '
Jay Felger: Yeah, it's a word.
Simon Coombs: In what dictionary?
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[discussing Daniel's dreams]
Teal'c: Most often, dreams are merely the mind's way of dealing with desires that cannot be fufilled.
Daniel Jackson: Ah. So basically, I'm never gonna get a good night's sleep again.
Teal'c: With all your past experiences, Daniel Jackson, I do not know how you have slept well before now.
Daniel Jackson: Thank you, Teal'c. This conversation has been disturbing... on many levels...
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Samantha Carter: Jonas, you're such a chickenshi...
[the rest of the word is not heard due to a blaring alarm]
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[In reference to newly inaugurated President Hayes and Vice-President Kinsey]
Jack O'Neill: Does anybody know anybody who actually voted for those little shrubs?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Samantha Carter: [to Jack about a group of SG trainees] Think back to when you were in their shoes.
Jack O'Neill: I wore boots.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jack O'Neill: My name's Jack; it means... what's in the box.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jack O'Neill: I have great confidence in you Carter. Go back to the SGC and... confuse Hammond.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jack O'Neill: [talking to the Asgard High Council about the K'Tau people and their star] I'm not asking you to change the course of their development, just fix the damn sun! No one will know. We won't tell.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Teal'c gives a girl a new, better water gun. She promptly squirts him]
Daniel: Guess we shouldn't have loaded it, huh?
Teal'c: How else would she defend herself?
[Teal'c produces his own water gun and squirts Daniel]
Daniel: How else?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jack O'Neill: Lucy, I'm home!
Teal'c: I am NOT Lucy!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Daniel: [SG-1 is at Jack's house, and Daniel is a bit drunk] Go ahead, Teal'c, tell them how deep you are! You'll be lucky if you even understand this!
Teal'c: [Lifts one eyebrow] My depth is immaterial to this conversation.
Daniel: Oooh, you see!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Jacob/Selmak, Daniel, and Sam are on a Tok'ra scout ship, being questioned by a Goul'd mothership]
Jacob Carter/Selmak: All right, we're almost finished. Sam's just finishing up.
Daniel: Uh, that's good, 'cuz I don't think they bought my act.
Jacob Carter/Selmak: Why? Who'd you say you were?
Daniel: The, uh, Great and Powerful Oz.
Jacob Carter/Selmak: SAM!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jack O'Neill: [trying to decide if he should accept his promotion] I've spent my whole life stickin' it to the man. If I do this, I'll be the man. I don't think I can be the man.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Nick Ballard: Now we must wait for the giant aliens.
Jack O'Neill: That just has a nice ring to it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Carter has just killed Seth with a Gou'ald hand device]
Daniel Jackson: You killed him!
Jack O'Neill: [In an undertone] Hail, Dorothy.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jack O'Neill: Daniel and Teal'c say 'hi'. They're planning a big shindig for you when you're back up and around. There's talk of cake.
Sam Carter: Cake?
Jack O'Neill: My idea.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ba'al: You dare mock me?
Jack O'Neill: Ba'al, come on. You should know. Of course, I dare mock you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Daniel Jackson: On the bright side, out of all the Goa'uld, Lord Yu has been the most cooperative with us in the past.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: I thought you said that none of them could be trusted?
Daniel Jackson: Oh, they can't. Especially not a crazy one.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Ah, that's the bright side?
Daniel Jackson: More of a slightly less dark side.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Daniel Jackson: Look, all I know is that the place you're searching right now is not it.
Jack O'Neill: Then, where is *it*?
Daniel Jackson: Did I just say, "all I know"?
Jack O'Neill: Everyone turn away. I want no witnesses.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Daniel Jackson: [Daniel has been cleared to attend a briefing after having lost his memory] Besides, who am I going to tell? I don't remember anybody, right?
Jack O'Neill: Good one.
Daniel Jackson: Thanks, Jim.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jack O'Neill: All I'm saying, just for the record, is this is the wackiest plan we've ever come up with.
Sam Carter: Wackier than, than strapping an active Stargate to the bottom of the X-302?
Jack O'Neill: Oh yeah.
Sam Carter: Wackier than blowing up a sun?
Jack O'Neill: Yep.
Sam Carter: He's probably right.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jack O'Neill: If we want to find out who's behind this, we have to do what the Asgard do.
Daniel: You mean bluff?
Jack O'Neill: Yep. We just need to do it without revealing what we know.
Daniel: Which is nothing.
Jack O'Neill: Right. But they don't know we know nothing.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jack O'Neill: [after traveling to a world that looks exactly like Earth] Just when you think you're not in Kansas anymore, it turns out you are.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
General George S. Hammond: You're suggesting that Osiris is here on Earth manipulating Dr. Jackson's dreams?
Sam Carter: We think it's possible, sir.
Jack O'Neill: Kinky.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jack O'Neill: [Sam starts humming as she and Jack are riding an elevator at the SGC] Humming?
Sam Carter: I am?
Jack O'Neill: You are.
Sam Carter: Sorry.
Jack O'Neill: What's his name?
Sam Carter: Now, why would you...
Jack O'Neill: Humming.
Sam Carter: Pete.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jack O'Neill: It's time for plan B.
Sam Carter: We have a plan B?
Jack O'Neill: No, but it's time for one.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sam Carter: Teal'c, how do Jaffa couples handle their problems?
Teal'c: On Chulak, a dispute between a man and a woman that cannot be resolved necessitates a pledge break. It must be requested by one and granted by the other.
Daniel: And if that doesn't work?
Teal'c: A weapon is required.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jonas: We're peaceful explorers, okay? We didn't come here to harm anybody.
Jack O'Neill: Unless otherwise provoked.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Hammond show Carter the individual who tried to enter the SGC with O'Neill's security ID]
Samantha Carter: He's a boy, Sir.
Young Jack O'Neill: As it turns out, Carter, yes I am. For the moment!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[the guard hands a mug to Young Jack]
Young Jack O'Neill: Finally!
[takes a sip]
Young Jack O'Neill: Hot chocolate? Are you kidding?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Young Jack O'Neill: Look, last night, I ate some dinner, had a beer, went to bed and woke up like this. Now can we please just get to the part where you and Fraiser run some tests, find a cure, and make me big again?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Daniel walks into the holding room]
Young Jack O'Neill: Daniel, will you tell them who I am? Please?
Daniel: OK, love to. Who are you?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Carter has explained that the boy is somehow Colonel O'Neill]
Daniel: What's going on?
Young Jack O'Neill: Daniel!
Daniel: Sounds like him. At least the loud, grating part!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
General George S. Hammond: [after leaving the holding room] Would anyone care to speculate how a boy could be aware of our most classified information?
Samantha Carter: Well, Sir, it could be him.
Daniel: There is a physical resemblance.
General George S. Hammond: [Pointing to the holding room] But, he can't be more than 15 years old. Are you saying Colonel O'Neill has somehow regressed more than 30 years overnight?
Daniel: Stranger things have happened.
Teal'c: Name but one.
Daniel: Well, there was the time he got really old; the time he became a caveman; the time we all swapped bodies...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dr. Janet Fraiser: There is a tiny abnormality, but for all intents and purposes, it's him.
Daniel: Tiny abnormality, like the fact he's suddenly quite a few years younger than he's supposed to be?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Young Jack O'Neill: You know, I think you two are enjoying this just a little too much.
Samantha Carter: Well, you are kinda cute.
Young Jack O'Neill: That's Sir to you, and being trapped inside a scrawny little body isn't my idea of cute, Carter!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Teal'c: Do you not experience increased health and vitality?
Young Jack O'Neill: My *vitality* was just fine, thank you!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Young Jack O'Neill: I don't plan on staying like this.
Samantha Carter: Well, in the meantime, may I make a suggestion? Try enjoying this as much as we are!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jack O'Neill: I was expecting the other shoe to drop... eventually.
Thor: We can only hope that this is the last footwear to fall.
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