Johnny: So, you're not in jail yet?
Tommy: No. Why would I be in jail? Except for maybe killing you, which I would right now, except it would interupt my smoke.
Tommy: So, you got a woman who can do the job better than the guys on my crew? Bring her on. You know? You got a martian, or a cyborg, or a China man that can do the job, bring them on too.
Dr. Goldberg: Are there any Chinese firefighters?
Tommy: Yeah, probably. Somewhere in China.
[Tommy has just read an "anonymous" poem]
Franco: Holy shit.
Lt. Shea: Powerful.
Tommy: Yeah, powerfully bad. It sucks.
Lt. Shea: I don't know, it's not that bad. It rhymes.
Tommy: Well, so what? My ten-year-old can make stuff rhyme, it doesn't mean he's the next, uh... (to Franco) Name a poet.
Sean: Angie Dickinson.
Tommy: Angie Dickinson from Police Woman?
Franco: Nah, I think you mean Emily Dickinson, The Belle of Amherst.
Rock bottom. It just doesn't exist for you, does it?
Chief Reilly: Hey Franco. (Franco walks past him) What's up with him? Is he okay?
Sean: Like I give a shit.
Chief Reilly: I leave for two days and the whole joint goes into the crapper.
Franco: You're amazing Mike. Only you could turn a relationship with a woman into a gay experience.
[Tommy pays his nephew for sending a computer virus to Roger]
Tommy: (sighs) I could only get 300 bucks out of the ATM.
Damian: That's okay. You can owe me the rest. I trust you.
Tommy: You know what, kid? I was at your christening and I didn't drown you, okay? So let's think about who owes who. All right?
Sean: You call up and you tell them what kind of service you want, what kind of hours you need and they send over a bunch of nurses.
Chief Riley: I only need one.
Sean: I know, but that's like the fun of it. They send over a bunch and you choose one. It's like 'American Idol,' you know, except it's nurses instead of singers, and you don't get to call up and vote to see who wins, and Paula Abdul's not there acting like a freak show. Actually it's not like 'American Idol' at all.
Johnny: You give that guy a bad nose job, a ranch with some rides on it and Liz Taylor's home number, you're looking at Michael Jackson my friend.
Tommy: Ok, first of all he's our half brother, OK? So if he's Michael Jackson, you know who that makes us? That makes me Tito and that makes you Jermaine
Johnny: Why do I gotta be Jermaine?
Tommy: Cause I'm Tito.
Tommy: You know how people, like religious people, are always saying stuff like, "have you found Jesus?"
Tommy: Guess what. I found him.
Mickey: Oh, yeah. Where has he been for the last 2000 years?
Tommy: Apparently my new apartment.
(Tommy and Johnny are going to a blood drive)
Johnny: (to Tommy) You might wanna pick up someone else's blood on the way. Yours is probably still flammable.
Tommy: No, I'll tell ya, brother. I am pro-lesbian. I am a big supporter of the lesbian community.
Tommy: Yeah, I wish my daughter was a lesbian.
Jimmy: Which one?
Tommy: Both. Why don't they have a pill for that?
Franco: Headquarters is sponsoring a post-traumatic stress disorder seminar for anybody who would like to discuss their feelings about 9/11 with members of the general public. What the--?
Lt. Shea: Let me see that. (grabs the flier) You know, like this is going to help anybody? Bunch of goddamn cry babies. Probably still broken up at the Hindenburg going down.
Mike: Hey, what's the Hindenburg?
Sean: It's uh... one of the space shuttles.
Franco: Gentlemen of the jury, I rest my case.
Sean: What jury?
Sean: Well, it's my cock.
Lou: Oh, forget I asked.
[looking at a burnt-up woman]
Sean: Oh, Jesus. Nice.
Tommy: Yeah, I'm not gonna be ordering the crispy beef from the Chinese place any time soon.
Tommy:What is it with these gay people? They're everywhere now: sitcoms, movies. You see the thing in the paper about same sex marriage?
Chief Reilly: Same sex marriages? Hey, right now I'd settle for a "some" sex marriage.