Garcia: OMGWTFBBQRossi?!?! HALP. DO NOT WANT.
Geek!Xander: I am nekkid.
Garcia: OMG don't kill us for teh sexx0rz!
Rossi, not even noticing soaking wet nekkid ppl: 20 years! Dead ppl! Children! CHILDREN! Someone must pay!
Blonde older daughter: I am a stripper.
Creepy bearded guy: I am lurking, and possibly peeing on cars.
Blonde older daughter: Imma cut you!
Truck: BEEP! I stare with headlights!
Blonde older daughter: Oh, great, a purple monkey.
Prentiss: Rossi is REALLY ANAL RETENTIVE GUYZ. This isn't right!
Garcia: ...okay, I give. He's trying to solve a 20 year old case that he should never have been involved in. Bye!
Prentiss, Morgan, and JJ: ...away to Indiana we go!
Creepy serial killer: I killed lotsa ppl! And now Imma kill you!
Hotch: Bring it, bitch!
Reid: *psycho-analystic-babbles for fifteen minutes, as killer stares at him in shock*
Reid and Hotch: *ride in a car, talk, and convince me of their slash potential*
Indiana agents: *GASP CARNIE FOLK*
JJ: *makes sexist comments based on male pride*
Morgan: I got drunk at a carnival! (Probably after being molested.)
Overweight clown: *looks suspiciously like geek!Xander*
Prentiss: *looks a bit like Gwen from Torchwood, in a creepy way*
Grizzled carnie: Mea culpa! It's my fault my son killed those ppl after getting hit with an ax! And I make him remember!
Overweight retarded clown: DADDY! Save me!
Blonde older daughter: So... Wanna hook up sometime?
Rossi: *hallucinates small children*
Geek!Xander: *babbles about stuff in an embarrassing way that makes me hide my face*
Reid: *is baffled by human interaction*
Prentiss: ...how many degrees does this guy have, again?
Hotch: *emo-ly signs divorce papers*
NEXT TIME: Assisted suicide ftw!
Crime Catchers: *is blatant rip-off of America's Most Wanted*
Chick caller: I know where the blonde chick is!
Camera footage: *does not show a blonde, but instead green hair*
Flack: I am very hawt.
Mac: I am smart. This bitch is crazy.
Random cop chick: *looks like Faith Lehane's sister*
Faith!cop: *has rifle, fuck yeah*
Flashlight: I can has wigz and computronz? And pix on da wall! OOH! And a ded chik! This job rulez.
Flack: I am jaded, and therefore amusing.
Mac: *checks out corpse*
Camera: *does the flashy-flash*
Adam: *is on a crime scene and hopefully doesn't get kidnapped and tortured this time*
Stella: *uses plastic bag instead of paper because she's mad cool like that*
Credits: *are very pretty, but still without AJ Buckley*
Numb3rs commercial: I am parodying Mac vs. PC!
Charlie: I am smart!
Don: I am badass!
Charlie: ...now I'm ascared.
Hammerback: *has kickass glasses, and a knife in a manila envelope*
Mac: Navy SEAL! (Shoulda been a K-bar.)
Hammerback: *is possibly flirting with Mac*
Lab: *has impossibly shiny gadgets that really aren't necessary*
Mac: We has found assassin; now we find assassin's assassin!
Adam: *now does all the work, not just computers*
Danny and Lindsay: *are inexplicably absent*
Mac: Lalala, morbid bit of trivia! Lalala, possibly a war hero.
Danny and Lindsay: *show up now that I mentioned it*
Lindsay: You forgotted mah b-day!
Danny: Sexist blather!
Lindsay: *eyeroll* Oh, look, a deer.
Danny's hair: *is reaching heights of almost David Tennant-ness*
Mac: I has a friend named General Finn. This be Riley's father. And Faith!cop rly is Faith. Trufax. Also, dead judge's son is a SEAL and totes killed the lady.
Flack: *has permanent smirk*
Judge's son: *looks like Logan from Veronica Mars if he was a mechanic and was a bionic man* Don't pity me!
Flack: No pity. Coming up with ways bionic man coulda still killed.
Judge's son: Millions of ways. But Mama didn't raise no fool, I woulda cleaned up.
Hammerback: *montages the fuck outta plastic surgery*
Hawkes: *has tablet and glasses similar to mine, therefore is cool*
CSI NY: *is only crime show where lots of not-old-ppl-character wear glasses*
Assassin chick: *is rly badass*
Mac: Semi-witty saying.
Flack: Old ladies don't ask my help to cross the street. Possibly because this is New York and when not in suits I look like an Irish mobster.
Blonde mayoral aide: I totes gave you favor. Also, my nose is very distracting.
Mac: *is unfailingly professional at all times* Aaah, cosplay. It evil. You die.
SecondLife: *is a really weird cult*
Flack: Star Wars Cantina! (I was totally part of the chat.) And now, I am sarcastic!
Hacker: I has evil sense of humor. But am hilarious!
Cosplayers: *are very resilient, and totes go back to partying after *
Everybody: We are annoyed by dead-ends!
Stella, summing up: Plastic surgeon gets malpractice-sued, hires assassin who kills lady, assassin comes back and has him surgically alter mayoral aide to look like her, then they kill her? What is this, Days of Our Lives/Marvel comics/Torchwood?
Flack: *flirts with Faith!cop, and then splits into two groups along relationship lines, because that works sooo well*
Kitty: Meow! I am cute!
Morgue: I am creepy and full of bodies. Yay!
Embalming room: I am also creepy, and totes held tortured ppl. Therefore, am cooler. And now I hold recently-dead person with camera!eye, lulz.
Assassin chick: I am so freaking cool you just could not believe.
Adam: I am grossly underpaid, but totes awesome. Look, chatlogs (NOT EMAILS). And now IMs!
IMs: We look really strange for "IM"s.
Mac: *does A Beautiful Mind impression*
Adam: Brilliant! But evil. Yes. Evil. Ahem. So what's on your mind?
Adam: What, like fake!Google? OH. F-fishing, not P-H-fishing.
Hawkes: Sound particles! Lulz! I like shiny objects.
Assassin chick: I look a bit like Catherine Willows, and it is freaking this viewer out.
Hippies: *flood enviromental event*
Tracking dog: I am cute!
Speaker: I has gun yey!
Flack: That cool, I has walkie.
Danny: I just want a canoli! Can we pretend she'd back off?
Adam: I am rly hawt, and waaay too involved in the roleplaying of this. But we caught a fish!
Televisions: We can has product placement?
Mac: We has undercover thing going on. And hopefully saying this via teleconference is a ruse, because otherwise we're being really stupid, because the assassin is techno-savvtastic.
Flack: Damn it, I finished community service years ago! Biotch. I hate being a ghost.
Uniformed cop: I am screwing up this elaborate plan that seems rather far-fetched for her not to have known about, sloppy writer-folk.
Assassin chick: Now I shall run into construction site and be very Bond-esque! Fuck yeah Daniel Craig, you want a piece of this!
Mac: *makes impressive leap, and then climb, and constant dodgin of bullets*
Assassin chick: I am being rather lame for a previously awesome assassin chick.
Mirror: I am amazingly conveniently placed!
Assassin chick: I will now pretend to be a really bad personal ad.
Mac: You shoulda stuck with playing the Sims, because then you don't get your ass shot.
Assassin chick: Really cliche death speech! (Damn it, I used to be cool!)
Flack: *is a day late and a dollar short*
Mac: So, she was gonna off you.
Mayoral aide: OMGWTFBBQ? Why I gotta pick the psychos, y'all?
Everyone: *is far too emo*
Also, I've realized what it is about Torchwood that I love: people say it's like a soap opera, but it's not; it's like a comic.