TV W/o Pity updated for Angel, so here's the choice pieces, yo!
"Just as Rabinaw sighs with relief, the door is knocked off its hinges. Thank goodness Slayers and vampires are mortal enemies, because if they ever teamed up, we'd be living in a world without doors."
"Then Dana sees a cart of medical gear and picks up a bone saw that just happened to be lying around in this psychiatric ward. This hospital gets creepier every minute."
"So it's my own fault, but for weeks it's been, "When are they cutting off Spicule's hands? When? Do his hands get cut off next week?" The hand-severing naturally reminded her of Lindsey, and led to her theorizing that Spicule will wind up doing what every other character on Angel has done, but times two. We can't wait till he gets pregnant with twins, then kidnaps them from himself and has sex with them. Ew. Okay, we can wait for the last part."
"Gunn finishes his call, and Fred asks if he's "playing chicken with the District Attorney." Gunn insists that it's just a professional rivalry, and that they save their real conflicts for the golf course. Fred huhs, and Gunn explains that his lawyer upgrade came with bonus golf-playing skills, too. Okay, this is officially a running gag now, right? As long as it's intentional. Fred complains that our forefathers (a quartet!) didn't envision golf as part of our judicial system. Gunn argues that they've done a lot of good at Wolfram & Hart: "Lives saved, disasters averted, with all our fingers and souls still attached." Heh. Heh heh heh."
"Cary mentions "Parasite Eve," and Gunn nervously asks if Angel is firing her. They discuss what they should do about her misbehavior last week, and Gunn argues that Eve is the Senior Partners' liaison: "Move against her without solid proof, and it could end in a long, bloody fight." Angel sighs, "I think I liked you better when you just wanted to hit people." I know I did. On the other hand, there's the vest. Tough call. Cary asks, "So we aren't gonna snap Twiggy into little sticks?" Hee. Angel agrees with Gunn that it's too risky. Gunn says that they can "restrict her access" and keep an eye on her. Good lord, why weren't they keeping an eye on her before? Morons."
"Wesley hops up to form a search party, maybe because he's thinking this is his big chance to find his very own crazy girl, and he can hug her and pet her and squeeze her and call her Georgina."
"Spicule laughs, and Angel ignores him and walks onward. Angel's wearing a lovely three-quarter-length jacket. I love it. Wish he'd tuck his damn shirt in underneath it, though. Why doesn't he? Is that the look now? Is it that he's got a gut? I don't care if he has a gut. Tuck in the shirt! Or give him another hoodie or some kind of shirt that doesn't need to be tucked in. But this just looks sloppy. Angel marches on and asks Spicule why he's there. Spicule says he's "hero of the people now." Angel snaps, "Then go annoy them." He doesn't ask how Spicule knew about the escapee, sadly. I'd say that Lindsey sent Spicule, except how would Lindsey know, and why would Lindsey care? As they pass the security gate Dana mangled, Angel eyes it and asks Spicule, "Shouldn't you be out protecting the streets from people like you?""
"Angel apologizes for Spicule's behavior: "He's -- is 'pathological idiot' an actual condition?" Rabinaw unhappily says that Angel should stop Spicule: "If he finds Dana, he's gonna wind up dead like the others." Angel mutters, "He'll just end up coming back." Ha!"
"Cut to a big grocery store. Or maybe it's a Wal-Mart-y place, since it seems to have a lot of stuff besides food. A clerk notices Dana munching on something in one of the aisles. The fact that she's wearing the hospital gown and slippers does not give him pause. Or maybe it does, since he's pretty nice about explaining that she has to go pay for the food before she can eat it. Dana ignores him, so he puts his hand on her shoulder and tells her more firmly to stop. Dana snaps his arm. While he wails, she picks up her saw and I get a little nervous, but she just steps over him and walks away."
"Dana turns her head slowly, the way someone on a TV show does when they're about to get very violent. She does it well, though.
Cut to Dana walking out of the store, wearing the grey t-shirt under a flannel top. Her next move: form a band. Oh, and she's still got her saw, which appears to have been freshly used."
"The nurse explains that Rabinaw was planning to do a book about Dana: "That's why he doesn't want anyone to know about [the videotapes]." Yes, that makes perfect -- what? Angel asks the nurse if she's the one who called Wolfram & Hart. The nurse explains that her cousin works at the firm, and that she thought this might "get her foot in the door." Yes, that makes perfect -- double-what?"
"Dana stares at vamped-out Spicule and gets a happy, evil grin. I like her."
"Spicule crashes to the ground, and apparently he had enough presence of mind to devamp in mid-air. An Angelmobile 2.0 rolls to a stop behind him. Yes, I, too, thought Angel might just crash into Spicule, and then say, "Oh, sorry, bad brakes on this thing." Instead, Angel hops out of the car and angrily asks what happened. Spicule sulks, "I just thought I'd see what it was like to bounce off the pavement. Pretty much what I expected.""
"And suddenly Angel and Spicule are back at Wolfram & Hart. What happened to the team that was on the way? I'm confused. It's fine if the girl escaped and they went back to form a new plan, but a single line of explanation might have been nice. Instead, we cut to Spicule saying, "A psychotic vampire Slayer." Angel asks how many times Spicule is going to say that. I love the idea that he kept repeating that the whole ride home."
"Angel and Spicule step into the conference room, where the MoG have gathered. Along with Andrew. Who's wearing a suit and smoking a pipe. Okay. I suspect that Giles sent Andrew not because he suddenly has a lot of respect for Andrew, but because he has very little respect for Angel and Wesley. Which is fair. Andrew gasps upon seeing Spicule, who moans, "Oh, for the love of --" Then Andrew rushes over to embrace him. Andrew mumbles into Spicule's shoulder, "My therapist thought I was holding on to false hope, but I knew you'd come back. You're like Gandalf the White resurrected from the pit of the balrog. More beautiful than ever." Andrew's endless geekism isn't all that funny to me, but Tom Lenk himself does amuse me. He's funnier than the character is, basically. Him and his dioramas. Oh, and I'm glad Andrew's got a therapist. I hope Giles insisted on real therapy and not just some more nature walks this time."
"Back somewhere near the plot, Wesley says that they were "about to bring everyone up to speed on Slayer mythology." Oh joy. Andrew interrupts and says they should hear it from an expert, meaning himself. Wesley sits down and snides, "Please, enlighten us." And then there's exposition, and Andrew says "Vam-Pyres" a lot. Andrew pauses by Fred as he explains that the first Slayer was a young girl who was given demonic powers, and makes little devil-horns over her head with his fingers. Hee. Blee blah every generation bloo blah potentials have dreams of past Slayers, bippety boppety boo. Andrew works up to Buffy's magical recruitment drive six months ago, which I guess means it's November now. Andrew explains that Giles and "a few key Sunnydale alum" have been tracking down the new Slayers and training them. I'd ask how they mange to get the girls' parents to agree to that, but on the other hand, the Watchers Council seemed to do the same thing without any problem, so it's a longstanding piece of nonsense that I don't have the energy to care about. Wesley guesses that Dana's pre-existing looniness may have made her dreams of Slayerdom seem more real to her. Andrew says, "My hypothesis exactly, Pryce. I see Mr. Giles may have been wrong about you." He makes a note in a tiny notebook. Wesley's reaction shot is great. He looks like he can't decide whether to be angry or amused. Though considering what Wesley was like back when Giles knew him, you can't really blame Giles for some trash-talking. Spicule realizes that Dana was remembering the Chinese Slayer Spicule killed. Angel sneers at Spicule, and Spicule gets fed up. His parting shot is, "You corporates go ahead with your talky-talk. Anybody needs me, I'll be out doing [Angel's] job." "Talky-talk"? I think someone pulled up a page full of baby-talk when they meant to use the random British slang generator."
"Angel follows after Spicule, pointing out that he and Spicule are the last people who should go after a Slayer gone nutzoid. Angel says, "In her mind, there probably aren't any good Vam-Pyres...vampires." Heh. Spicule asks if Angel wants him to "go all boo-hoo 'cause she got tortured out of her gourd? Not like we haven't done worse back in the day." Angel grunts, "And that's something I'm still paying for." Spicule replies, "You should let it go, mate. It's startin' to make you look old." It's hard not to think that somebody with a nasty sense of humor wrote that line. And I tip my hat to whoever it was. Andrew watches Spicule leave while sipping from a drink box. Hey, did you catch how the conversation just took a turn for the random there? Angel wasn't saying that Spicule should feel sorry for Dana, but that's what Spicule suddenly started arguing about. Yes, I know, this sets up the last scene. Maybe Spicule can travel through time like Sahjhan (only twice as much!), so he's replying now to a conversation they'll have later on. "
"Back in the conference room, Angel wonders if they should follow Spicule's lead and go Slayer-hunting. Fred asks what they're going to do when they find her. Hey, everyone's got iBooks! Angel points to a map with Dana-sightings marked on it, and says that "tactical's doing a non-engagement sweep, but they'll have to cover over at least [sic] sixty blocks." Shouldn't they have bloodhounds? Or hellhounds? Or bloodhounds from hell? I do respect the fact that they aren't whizzing past this problem by using a locator spell. Thank you. Cary suggests that they should "start at the source," and reminds everyone that Dana was abducted from her home. He doesn't exactly say that looking into her past might help them figure out where Dana's going, but I think that's the idea. Angel says that Dana was kidnapped over fifteen years ago, but Cary insists that houses have long memories. Angel sighs and agrees, adding, "Get Andrew in on this, see if he knows...anything." Fred says that Andrew's gone.
Spicule strolls along, pauses, and says, "We could play cat and mouse all night --" Then he reaches into a doorway or alley or something and yanks Andrew out, concluding, "Or I could wedgie you unconscious and be done with it." Yow. Spicule tells Andrew to go home where he'll be safe, but Andrew flourishes the many weapons lining his jacket. Knowing Andrew, they're probably just old props from some ill-conceived SF show he liked. Andrew argues that he's been training with Giles, and is now "82% more manly." Andrew immediately trips over the body of the dockworker, and screams like a girl. Do I need an ironic juxtaposition alarm now?"
"Commercials. Hey, this is another one of those neverending nights, isn't it? By the time Angel left the hospital, it was dark. Then they called Giles, and Giles sent Andrew, and Andrew arrived at Wolfram & Hart. From England. That's a twelve-hour flight by itself, right? Okay, that's clearly insane, so I guess the Coven from Devon sent Andrew magically. Or, what the hell, Andrew invented a teleporter."
"A real estate agent is showing a tidy suburban house to Angel, Cary, and a technomage. Or maybe it's just a bald psychic guy named Vernon. "Vernon" is not a good name for a psychic. The agent finishes describing the house's features, and Vernon notes, "The walls scream with the blood of the innocent." The agent cheerily says she'll wait in the car."
"Spicule sniffs the air, and Andrew asks what blood smells like. Spicule says it's like a penny, and am I meant to believe that Andrew's never had a paper cut and sucked the blood from his finger? Apparently not, because Andrew spies a penny by his feet and pops it into his mouth. Spicule finally asks after Buffy, and Andrew says she's in Rome, where Dawn's going to school. Oh, that's just great. Like the United States doesn't have enough trouble with international diplomacy. Andrew suddenly realizes that Buffy doesn't know Spicule's alive: "We would have had a conference call." Andrew asks why Spicule hasn't contacted her, and Spicule mimes picking up a phone and saying, "I didn't burn up like you thought. How are things?" He can keep saying that all he likes, it's still never going to make any sense. I think it's just that, once he got away from the Hellmouth's influence, he realized he didn't like Buffy very much. Andrew offers to tell Buffy, but Spicule vetoes that. Andrew natters that Spicule is "a troubled hero, a creature of the night, el creatro del noche..." As Spicule begs Andrew to stop, we see Dana watching them from a rooftop."
"Back at Wolfram & Hart, Angel tells the MoG that he wants to find the psycho who tortured Dana. Boreanaz is limping a little during the pedeconference. Poor guy. It's my thing about sick and injured people. Leave me alone. Angel tells Cary to find out more about the basement Dana was tortured in. Angel says, "Start crackin' the whip!" Cary hurries off-camera and calls: "Danny! We're gonna need a whip!" Hee.
Andrew is in the middle of telling Spicule some bullshit story when Spicule stops suddenly and says, "It smells different. Stronger." Andrew, sounding delighted, asks, "Like nickels?" Heh. Spicule runs into a garage or a warehouse or something, and sees a lot of blood splashed on one wall. Handprints are visible, too. Which is ooky, especially when Spicule adds, "It's her blood.""
"Spicule enters a dark hallway and goes down some stairs. He arrives in the extremely moody basement, where Dana is waiting for him. Spicule says there's no getting away, and adds that he could track her for miles. He knows about her past, right? So he should know that these aren't reassuring things to say. He's a fucking idio -- uh, idiosyncratic strategist. Yeah. Dana mutters, "No escaping." Spicule finally tries for "reassuring" instead of "menacing," and says that he doesn't want to hurt her. Dana replies, "It doesn't hurt if you hold still." She goes on like that, and Spicule observes, "You're a real sack of hammers, aren't you. Don't worry, I used to date a girl who wasn't all there." There wasn't just one, honey. He tries to explain that she's remembering past Slayers, and Dana says, "I have to get home to my son, to my Robin." Spicule says, "Oh,you're talking about Nikki, the Slayer I offed back in -- Yeah, you probably don't want to think about that, pet." Dana calls Spicule "William the Bloody," and Spicule moves closer while insisting, "No, no! That's not gonna lead anywhere good." Hee. Dana repeats "Head and heart," kicks Spicule's legs out from under him, and stabs him in the neck with one of the syringes. Spicule gets up, but quickly stumbles, disoriented. Dana says, "Yellows make you weak. Not weak anymore." She knocks him down and pulls the jacket off him as he mumbles, "All right, now you've made me mad." Dana says, "Don't cry, they can't hear you," and drags Spicule across the floor. I've gotta say, having her quote her torturer is way creepy. Flashback of Spicule carrying young Dana across the basement and chaining her up. Dana fastens the chains around Spicule as she says, "Daddy's gone. He can't hear you." Spicule's barely conscious as Dana retrieves the box of syringes and injects something into Spicule's arm. Dana tells him to count backwards."
"Back at Wolfram & Hart, they're still sending out search goons with various high-tech gizmos, focusing on an industrial area. Cary says he hasn't gotten anything new on the basement that smells like molasses. Wesley says, "What about -- I almost said the words 'molasses factory' out loud." Fred suddenly says, "Whisky," and Cary greets that idea enthusiastically. Fred clarifies,"When you're cookin' up whisky, it makes the whole room smell like molasses." Fred's family continues to intrigue me. Angel quickly orders the MoG to look for an old distillery. Then Andrew bursts in and announces, "We were attacked. I think she got [Spicule]." We cut away before we get to see Angel shout, "Yippee!""
"So, Johanna had a lot to say about the news that Xander's all alone in Africa. Many theories were discussed. Eventually, we decided that he was staying with Giles and Andrew, and that after a few days of Andrew he quite wisely snuck out one morning, leaving behind a note that said "Gone to Africa -- don't try to find me." Which Giles was upset about, since he was planning to do exactly the same thing, but by the time he came downstairs with his own note, Xander was gone."
"When we return, there's a nice bit of arstyness as we see someone's legs marching across the basement floor toward a chained victim, just like in the flashbacks, only of course this time it's Dana. She clobbers Spicule and rants, "No more daddy, no more mommy, no more hands. Can't touch me ever again." Doo do-do do, do-do, do-do. Can't touch her."
"A bunch of tranqs are fired into Dana's torso, and we see Wesley and some goons in the stairway pointing guns at her. Dana collapses. There's a quick shot of Spicule's hands sitting on the workbench as Angel calls for a medical team. Hee, that looked silly."
"Angel and Wesley escort another stretcher, this one carrying Dana. Angel orders guards and chains for Dana as they move her into a van. Andrew interrupts: "I'll take it from here." Angel huhs, and Andrew thanks Angel for his help but says, "She's a Slayer. That means she's ours." Angel looks amusingly unthreatened, and goes on ordering the goons around. Andrew steps in Angel's way and nervously says, "I don't think you heard me, Angel." And then a bunch of Slayers step out of the shadows, clickety-clacking in their many sets of heels. I guess it's a cool moment. I don't really care about the whole girl-power Slayer thing, but I can see how it would be cool if you did. Andrew says, "You think we were going to just let you take her back to your evil stronghold? As they say in Mejico....No. We're not...gonna...let you." He spells it out: "I've got twelve Vam-Pyre Slayers behind me, and not one of them has ever dated you." Heh. Angel insists that he'll clear it with Buffy, but Andrew says, "Where do you think my orders came from? Newsflash: nobody in our camp trusts you anymore. Nobody." Ouch. And: cool. Angel blinks angrily, and also looks a little stunned. Andrew adds, "You work for Wolfram & Hart. Don't fool yourself. We're not on the same side." He thanks Angel cheerily, and the Slayers move Dana's stretcher toward a van."
"Spicule sits in a hospital bed, his hands reattached and his arms bandaged up. Angel looms in the doorway, and Spicule says, "I'd give you the finger, but apparently I won't have the motor skills till the drugs wear off." Angel asks if Spicule's in a lot of pain, and Spicule sniffs that it isn't as much pain as Angel would like. Then he sighs, "The lass thought I'd killed her family. And I'm supposed to, what,complain, 'cause hers wasn't one of the hundreds of families I did kill?" He adds, "I'm not saying you're right, 'cause, uh, I'm physically incapable of saying that." Heh. Spicule admits that he didn't think about the nature of evil even when he was evil: "I liked the rush, I liked the crunch. I never did look back at the victims." Angel says some stuff that I like, except for this terrible, terrible line: "I was only in it for the evil." Ugh. Here, I'm going to rewrite his speech a tiny bit, because that's so awful. So what Angel means to say is: "I was only in it for the art. It was everything to me, the destruction of a human being. Guess I would have considered Dana a masterpiece." Angel mentions that "Andrew and the Slayers" took Dana because they didn't trust him. Johanna instantly declares that "Andrew and the Slayers" would be an awesome band: "They rescue Slayers, and they rock!" I add that Andrew actually just plays tambourine. Where were we? Oh, Spicule is startled to hear that Andrew double-crossed Angel, and then notes: "That's a good move." He adds that the "tingling in [his] forearms" tells him Dana's too far gone to help. Instead of evil hands, he got insightful forearms. Spicule says that Dana is one of them now: "She's a monster." Angel says she's an innocent victim. Spicule says, "So were we, once upon a time." Angel very, very quietly repeats, "Once upon a time."
Next time: Cordelia returns. With her cleavage! Which she seems very proud of, and who can blame her? "